Would Jesus Masturbate?

Masturbation Reference in Sermon on the Mount?:

I ran across this argument today in an article bristling with insight, by a Messianic Jew, Reb Yhoshua, entitled, The Oral Torah and the Messianic Jew. In my resulting paper, “Biblical Evidence for the Oral Torah (Hence, by Analogy, Oral Apostolic Tradition)”, I noted (from the article) that his teaching on visual lust and on prayer (in the Sermon on the Mount) look to be almost direct citations, or at least strong reflections of the thought, of portions of the Talmud, which was an encapsulation of Jewish traditions: much of which were believed to have been passed down as oral Torah: initially received by Moses on Mt. Sinai, along with the written law.

In the same passage on lust, where a “hand” causing trouble is mentioned, Reb Yhoshua noted that this may very well hearken back to a talmudic injunction that was clearly about masturbation. First, let’s look at the passage (RSV):

Matthew 5:28-30 But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. [29] If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and throw it away; it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. [30] And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away; it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.

How silly is all of this?

I think it is the brain and penis that causes one to masturbate, not your right hand. Couldn't you just use your left hand if you were so foolish and mentally ill that you did cut off your right hand to stop masturbating. What if you are left handed to begin with? Some men masturbate without using either hand. (Use your imagination.)

Wouldn't cutting off your own hand be a sin against God's handiwork?

I don't even want to think about what God has to say about spontaneous ejaculation.

Perhaps one the best reasons to become an atheist is that you can masturbate without guilt and keep your right hand. How is that for a slogan?